A politically correct fairy tale

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother.

On her way Red Riding Hood wandered off to examine some flowers. She was startled by the Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood was warned never to talk to strangers, but replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”

The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, please excuse me.”

Red Riding Hood proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and waited.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”

The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”

Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”

“You forget that I am optically challenged.”

“And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.”

“Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn’t give in to such societal pressures, my child.”

“And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!”

The Wolf could not take any more of these slurs, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self-esteem and subsequent lower achievement levels in later years.” “Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden move, he sliced off her head.

“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.” “No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well-padded back, gave a little belch, and said, “Do you have any antacid?” (www.devilliers.info)

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Nuwejaar, nuwe voornemens of nie?